Have you ever read the columns in newspapers or magazines where people ask extremely awkward sex questions? The questions that make you go LOL and make you wonder how did they even conjure such a thought? Well, we bring you twenty such questions and they are hilarious. Take a look sexpert questions and answers.
Dance until you get it right?
Q1. I am a 21-year-old man. Last week, I was oscillating my penis while masturbating. I turned it upside down and sat on it. I heard snap but experienced no pain. Have I fractured my penis?
A. Why would you want to do the bhangra with your penis? Pray you have injured it. Do not sit on it again.
Oh boy! That’s not how it works!
Q2. So if I’m gay, do I still have to go through puberty?
A. Everyone has to go through puberty.
Q3. My friend feels that her breasts are getting larger because of masturbation. Is this possible?
A. No. Does she think the clitoris is an air pump?
Really, my friend?
Q4. How will a child born from a mix of semen samples of a black man, a white man, an Indian, and a Chinese turnout?
A. Join a circus to find out.
That’s just bananas
Q5. I recently read about using banana skin during masturbation. I wanted to know if it can cause skin infection? A website suggested microwaving the banana for seven seconds before using it. Would you advise against it?
A. I am not sure how the microwave will help. Cleaning the banana thoroughly will avoid harm. Please carry out this experiment and let me know.
Q6. My friend feels that her breasts are getting larger because of masturbation. Is this possible?
A. No. Does she think the clitoris is an air pump?
That’s a puzzle
Q7. Suppose two men ejaculate in a woman’s vagina at the same time and she becomes pregnant. Which of the two could turn out to be the father of the child?
A. I suggest you write to the editor and enquire if there is a vacancy in the puzzle department of the newspaper.
Umm, telepathy much?
Q8. If a man and woman masturbate at the same time, thinking about sex can it lead to pregnancy?
A. There are no angels to carry your sperms to the person you are dreaming about. Fantasy gives you enjoyment but does nothing more.
Bhelpuri Vendor talks
Q9. I have heard that any kind of acidic substance can prevent pregnancy. Can I pour some drops of lemon or orange juice in my girlfriend’s vagina after intercourse? Will it harm her?
A. Are you a bhelpuri vendor? Where did you get this weird idea from? There are many other safe and easy methods of birth control. You can consider using a condom.
Please stop him!
Q10. I’ve heard that a lizard’s tail grows back when cut. I was curious if the same holds true for my penis?
A. I would not advise you to attempt such an experiment. Your penis is not a tail, and I am quite sure that there will be no volunteers for your research.
Q11. My girlfriend and I have been dating for one year. We enjoy sex. But recently she has been talking a lot about her ex. This has given rise to a strange problem. Every time I try to get intimate with her, I hear her ex’s voice coming from her navel and asking me to get lost. I have done some research and concluded that her navel is a portal to her ex. I love her very much and I want to marry her. But this is worrying me.
A. Tell your friend to tell her navel friend to get lost. You need to visit a psychiatrist. Please let me know your research technique. I too shall try talking to my navel.
Push and pull
Q12. I have a small penis and I can’t seem to satisfy my girlfriend. My astrologer has advised me to pull it every day for 15 minutes while reciting a shloka. I have been doing this for a month but it hasn’t helped. What should I do?
A. If he was right, most men would have a penis hitting their knees.
Q13. I am 22 years old. I have sex with my girlfriend occasionally, but even when I am lying in bed, my testicles keep moving. Is this normal?
A. The testicles doing the salsa are unique. They rest when you fall asleep. I am sure more boys are likely to keep a watch to see if their testicles respond likewise.
Rest is important
Q14. What if I had sex and then sleep leaving my penis inside my wife’s vagina?
A. What if you just allow your tired penis to have its deserved rest? In any case, the penis will slip out during your blissful sleep.
Just a pill
Q15. Two days ago I had unprotected sex with my girlfriend. To prevent pregnancy, we bought an i-pill. But in the heat of the moment, I popped it instead of her. Can it cause any complications for me?
A.A. Next time around, please use a condom and make sure you don’t swallow that too. In any case, you should have rushed to the chemist and got another one as it is effective within 72 hours of the act. The i-pill is meant only for emergency situations and must not be used as a routine family planning measure.
A nail polish
Q16. I am 43 years old. My wife believes that I am having an extramarital affair, but it’s not true. Every day, she applies nail polish on my penis to check if I am being unfaithful. I feel a burning sensation and it hurts me, please help.
A. It’s a very unusual piece of detective work. If you have no objection to the tattoo mark on your penis, ask your wife to find another substance that won’t burn. Or convince her of her loyalty.
A long journey
Q17. My friend had oral sex with his girlfriend. He ejaculated on her neck, and the semen rolled down her breasts to her tummy and all the way to her underwear. Can she get pregnant?
A. That’s quite a long journey for sperm to make. No, she can’t.
An athlete he is
Q18. I am a 36-year old single man. Six months ago I had sex with a housewife. Then, I made as many as 220 strokes in the 40 minutes of our intercourse. Today, I could only reach 180 at the same time. Please reply. I am worried.
A. Do take part in the Commonwealth games since you seem like an athlete. My advice is to stop counting and enjoy the act. Do give a thought to whether you are satisfying your partner or not.
Poker and pregnancy
Q19. Last night, I was naked and playing poker with my wife. A poker chip accidentally fell into her vagina. Is there any chance of pregnancy?
A. Obviously you are a novice player. Stick to the table and ensure you don’t the chip, either way, vagina, or the gullet. A pregnancy will not occur. Chips do not contain sperms.
When you truly like them
Q20. Can you get an STI from someone if you TRULY love them?
Hope this made you laugh!
Writer. Feminist. Ambivert. Prefers animals and good books to humans!